One Side of Suicide
Experience moving from surviving to thriving
With
Healing Writing Exercises
Dee Burt
Published by Pen & Publish, Inc.
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2012 Dee Burt
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The earlier version of this book is available in print at most online retailers under ISBN: 0-9768391-6-4
Dedication
To my four children
Ross, Elizabeth, Lauren, and Alison
I love you with all my heart.
Acknowledgements
Thanks to family, extended family, and friends, who have believed in me. I am forever grateful for everyone in my life. We all make a difference.
Foreword
Twenty-five years have gone by since my husband ended his life. Twenty-five years filled with confusion, reflection, and finally celebration of the life he led. Months after Nick died his angry glare stalked me. I craved sleep, but when I closed my eyes and opened them he was there with pain carved over his face. I mistook his rage for hatred and sneaked out of his life to save my own. Memories twisted into sleepless nightmares while Nick’s blue eyes chased me from his grave.
Norman cousins once said the capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started. One night I cuddled up all of the love I had for him, looked into his rage, and held my heart up to him. I focused on the love that had brought us together, gave us children, and brought laughter into our home. I offered Nick the only thing that mattered. Love. I slept.
Table of Contents
Chapter 5 Band-Aids Won’t Stick
Chapter 7 Camping in the Black Hole
Chapter 13 The Choice to Thrive
Appendices
Appendix A American Foundation for Suicide Prevention resources
Appendix B Attitudinal Healing
Appendix D Suicide Prevention and Survivor Support
Appendix E Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Appendix I Suicidal Warning Signs
Appendix K Frequently Asked Questions
One Side of Suicide explores life, death, love, and the challenges human beings face during bereavement. My husband staged his own death, but not his alone. The family he left behind lost a loving, passionate, talented man. It is my sincere hope that you will find comfort in my story and use it as a catalyst to begin and customize a healing course for yourself.
I began journaling six months after Nick’s death and haven’t stopped since, however my words now touch on other topics, especially a newfound joy and energy for serving humanity.
Those early writings latched on to my emotions and pulled them out into plain view; joy bubbled up when I helped others; my earliest goal to become a teacher did too. I raked over my heritage and discovered that I had created myself into a sufferer. Wasn’t it my duty to suffer for Nick’s father, brothers, and children? Have you ever thought that if you could just control others then maybe they wouldn’t feel bad enough to die?
We are more than our minds, more than our bodies, and more than our spirits. Honor the mystery of life within as you read and allow your side of your experience, to heal. Nick’s brief time on earth will live on because love is eternal; the same is true for your loved one. Think about the people they loved and the things that turned them on. Celebrate their positive accomplishments during their walk on earth. Move forward, when you feel it is right to do so and your true potential will thrive! Use the freedom of choice to dig in and make your dreams come true with your beautiful loved one tucked preciously inside of your heart.
Dr. Jampolsky offers both a challenge and an invitation, in his book, Love is Letting Go Of Fear. He says to imagine waking up and feeling perfectly happy, peaceful, and loving; all of this is possible when our forgiveness is complete.
Healing is the reward for loving yourself and your loved ones by sticking to your life plan; it will carry you through the anger, fear, guilt, and pain. Keep in mind that the grieving process has no exact timetable; however it does have a mix of the following unique stages:
(1) shock, (2) denial and isolation, (3) relief, (4) depression, (5) guilt, (6) anger, (7) bargaining, (8) forgiveness, (9) acceptance and hope. Survivors of suicide often add an extra load of guilt to their grieving as guilt is periodically dumped or sprinkled throughout the entire process. Acceptance will come in waves until it washes away the final sands of guilt.
This book follows a bereavement-based format.
The first stage, shock, stuns the survivor who rejects the truth which is too horrifying to believe or deal with.
The second stage, denial, allows the mind and body to isolate and wait for subtle signs of life and readiness. The mind questions: What happened? Why? We poke around our loved one’s favorite spots and come back empty handed and alone.
The third stage, relief or catharsis. Relief shamed me because I was afraid of Nick’s anger; his anger caved in on him one night as he sat in the driver’s seat of his Camaro. He left it running in his garage. The residue after catharsis was deep, raw, sadness.
The fourth stage, depression, pointed to the facts: his name in the obituaries and his body…was it really in the casket? Intellectually, I accepted the fact that he was dead and that life had changed forever. This stage can linger for years if one tries to get around it rather than face it straight on. Depression is the motivation behind this book because survivors who try to avoid sadness and self-expression can remain stuck in depression or choose suicide to end their pain as well.
Over the past three years I have been the chairperson for the Bloomington, Indiana Out of the Darkness Walk which is sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Please check out www.afsp.org and www.outofthedarkness.org; the organization provides valuable resources to the world. The awareness of depression, mental illness, and suicide prevention can and does help save lives.
The fifth stage, guilt, rakes everyone over fire-burning coals that burn into their souls. Survivors ask, “What could I have done?” Hindsight provides options that unfortunately are no longer available. Thoughts that increase guilt are best laid to rest.
The sixth stage, anger could have been the death of me too. A counselor told me that I would survive if only I would allow myself to get angry.
The seventh stage, bargaining, is the hit or miss stage. It is like the sniper who sneaks around your brain’s backyard and shoots in pathetic little ideas such as, “Surrender your life to world peace, homelessness, illiteracy, anything and you’ll get your loved one back.” Yes, grief can be postponed, but don’t be fooled by bargains.
The eighth stage, forgiveness opens your heart to hopes and dreams for a healthy, productive future.
The last stage, acceptance, allows you to cherish your loved one and respects the life you have left to live. Your life may be standing still for the first time. Look inside and discover your truth. Peace of mind will follow. Twenty-five years ago I thought happiness would never hug me again. Happiness comes to a place prepared to sustain it; open your side of suicide to feelings and thoughts that nurture you.
Throughout this book questions and journal invitations are presented to initiate self-examination and healing. Take note of your feelings when you read each prompt; record them in words or illustrations without judging them as right or wrong. They will signal you to get moving, slow down, breathe, and feel.
This book helped me to heal as it can help you. Whatever is weighing you down can be trimmed into manageable chunks to process. Yes, it takes work to write, draw, walk, and crawl through feelings, but isn’t your life worth it? Time only heals…if you process…during the time.
Keep the following three steps in your heart and mind as you walk out to face the world:
Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Be still and sit with them. Welcome and embrace them. You are getting acquainted with the real you.
Identify what feeling(s) you are experiencing.
Ask for help to express your feelings healthfully. The creative miracle within will nudge you with guidance.
There were times that I was too angry to sit, speak, write, or scribble. Instead, I threw rocks into a blur of forest; each one honored a beat-skipping rage that pounded inside. You’ll get ideas. I am grateful that I didn’t tell myself to sit down and shut up.
My last moments with Nick are seared into my mind’s eye. He sat cross-legged on the curb, police officers dotted the yard. Neighbors who honked and waved at him working in his garage, door wide open, whistling to Bob Dylan cranked up, stood like blank statues holding their babies in their arms. “Can we leave KD home to keep Daddy company?” Ross begged. KD had slept with him for six years; it was a gracious gift. I locked my eyes on the road and drove; hours later we pulled into an Econo Lodge and the five of us squeezed onto one king sized bed. Huddled together thoughts lined up one by one for reflection and scrutiny.
“You’ll be sorry! I’ll make you so sorry,” the second missed red flag flapped away as Ross, Elizabeth, and Lauren drifted into their innocent dreamlands.
Writing Exercise
Write the dialogue of your last conversation.
Write; don’t edit and please don’t judge.
Make a list of the feelings you have right now.
Feel the pain for one hour and take a walk.
Did peace enter you on your walk?
Scattered Notes
Where did he go? The light was on next to his Lazy Boy. Music sang in the empty house. The truth behind his absence was scratched on white notepaper scattered across the kitchen table. He was thirty-two years old and signed his last words, ‘No Need Nick,’ on note paper with a drawing: a circle with two dots for eyes, no nose, and a straight line for a mouth. There was no smile, no frown, no expression.
People die on battlefields fighting in the name of peace, in their own beds desperately gasping for a miracle cure, while others take their own lives before they know whom they truly are. Suicide is a wretched waste of life.
I was tempted to tell our children that their daddy died in a car accident. Denial and isolation seeped in to rescue them from their father’s suicide. The masquerade could never last. I wondered about the outcome when time revealed we had lived a lie.
Children instinctively know when there is more to a story. Grownups lower their voices while little ones watch lips whisper, secretive brows fall, and body language hunched in utter failure.
The biggest load of trauma hadn’t blistered, yet, but it had begun to sting. Ross and Elizabeth looked up to me as my friend held Lauren, close. What could I have done? Why hadn’t I known?
“Where’s Daddy, Mommy?”
He died on purpose and once that was said it could never be retrieved or reinvented. A lie would be an agreement to live in shame and a survivor of suicide doesn’t need more shame. Like clinical depression or mental illness, shame, too can kill.
“Daddy killed himself with car smoke. He died in the garage.” He left an eight-year old son, a five-year old daughter, and a one-year old daughter. We watched the ambulance open up and swallow their daddy all zipped up in a man-sized plastic bag. I have never regretted telling them the truth. Do I have regrets? Yes. Could Nick and I have communicated healthier? Yes. Is it possible that he could still be alive today? Yes.
One thing I know for sure, and that is, we survived to live beautiful lives and to help others do the same. You may want to attend an Out of the Darkness Community Walk, they are overflowing with love and energy that inspire peace of mind. Each year the walk plunges forward to educate people on depression awareness and suicide prevention. Ask your community leaders and schools to be proactive. Our young people are crying out for relief from the extreme pressures that today’s society delivers.