Gullibullishness
(sh*t my SPAM says)
Volume 1
Copyright © 2012 Implexity Designs, LLC
All digital rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
Cover art copyright © 2012 by Implexity Designs, LLC
This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
An Implexity Designs Production
Smashwords edition
License Notes
Piracy robs authors of the income needed to be able to continue to write books for readers to enjoy. This ebook is licensed for the personal enjoyment of ONE reader only. This ebook may not be re-sold or copied. To do so is not only unethical, it's illegal. This ebook may not be forwarded via email, posted on websites, uploaded to file sharing sites, or printed and distributed. To share this ebook, please purchase an additional copy for each intended recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for you, please notify the publisher immediately. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this—and every—author.
Introduction
One sunny, unseasonably warm January afternoon, I found myself cursing in a very unladylike fashion as I deleted yet another batch of SPAM from my inbox. Not my SPAM folder. My inbox. It seemed the built-in filters weren't doing nearly enough to hold back the tides any more. There were literally thousands more in the appropriate receptacle.
As I had on numerous occasions, I allowed my mind to dwell upon SPAM and those who sent it. Who were they? Did they have families and careers, or were they bitter, isolated beings with nothing better to do with their time than to prey on the gullible? Was a human being even at the helm? Was it lucrative? Did enough people fall for it to make spamming a worthwhile endeavor?
I toyed with the idea of replying to my SPAM, just for sh*ts and giggles, to see where it led. While it might be entertaining, it would be time consuming and would detract from other more productive activities. So much for that idea.
Never one to shy away from a challenge, I was determined to find my SPAM's silver lining. I put the problem on my proverbial back burner and turned my attention to other matters.
The next message I opened was a request to write an article for a online content provider. Everyone and their uncle seem hungry for content these days.
The sound of my mental gears grinding could be heard in the next county. What did I have in abundance? SPAM. Could I perform some sort of alchemy and turn it into content gold?
In the words of an embarrassingly ditsy politician: You betcha!
What follows is SPAM. A full week of it. Not the advertisements, mind you. No penis enlargement. No fly-by-night prescription drug outfits. No credit card offers. Just the fishy inheritance scams, the deposed royalty sob stories. Some of them are quite creative. However, all of them are intended to decrease, not increase, your bank balance.
SPAM. Page after page of it in its glorious, unedited, unrefined, unadulterated state. Okay, that's not quite true. I did remove extra line feeds for legibility, particularly on electronic gadgetry, but that's the ONLY thing I changed in these gems. And, I only included messages which contained no images. Believe me, that omission didn't put a dent in the amount of available content.
There is also a 6x9 print edition in both paperback and hardcover for reading on the porcelain throne. Fitting, methinks.
I figure if someone is going to make money off this trash, it might as well be me. I've got three kids in high school. College expenses are looming large on my horizon.
This ain't haute literary cuisine. It's half-cooked word ramen. Enjoy!
Sunday, January 15, 2012 5:51 AM
From: FEDERAL RESERVE BANK WASHINGTON <iett43@msn.com>
Reply To: infofrb.kennedyhuges@gmail.com
Subject: YOUR OUTSTANDING/CONTRACT PAYMENT NOTIFICATION LETTER
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FEDERAL RESERVE BANK WASHINGTON.
2001 C St Washington D.C., DC 20001,
United States - (202) 452-3000
Telephone:+19405607099
Attention: Beneficiary,
This is to alert you that we received your fund worth the sum $7,000,000.00 from the Central Bank of Nigeria Africa,We apologies for the delay of your payment and all the inconveniences we might put you through, while we were having some minor problems with our payment system which in all case not meeting up with fund beneficiary payments, we apologies once again.
From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with federal Government of Nigeria your name was discovered as next on the list out of the 42 outstanding,contractors who have not yet received their payments during the 6 years tenure of the previous administration in office please bear with us for making this initial contact through email.Meanwhile, a woman came to this bank a few days ago with a letter claiming to be your true representative. Here is her information’s below.
Name: Mrs. Annette Stillman
Bank name: Citibank , Arizona , USA .
Account Number: 6503809008
Routing number: 322271627
Swift code#:WMSBUS66
Address: 1723 Palmdale Bulv
Palmdale ca.93550
Please do reconfirm to this bank as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you or not so that the federal government will not beheld federal reserve bank for paying into wrong account, if this woman is not your representative, you requested to fill and send this information’s for verifications purpose so that your fund valued ($7.000, 000.00 usd) will be remitted in to your nominated bank account.
Kindly reconfirm to the bank the following
1 Your Full Name:
2. Your Current Address:
3. Occupation
4. Your telephone numbers and fax
5. Banking details
6. Age and Sex
7. Scan copy of your valid ID card.
NOTE: YOU ARE MANDATED TO FORWARD THE REQUIRED INFORMATION'S TO THIS EMAIL FOR SECURITY REASON'S ( infofrb.kennedyhuges@gmail.com )
As soon as this information is received, your funds will be wired to your bank account directly from FEDERAL RESERVE BANK WASHINGTON.We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. Annette stillman if we do not hear from you within the next Seven working days from today. We are sorry for any inconvenience the delay in transferring of your fund must have caused you.Be informed that this is FEDERAL RESERVE BANK WASHINGTON you can call this phone to discuss with the manager in charge Dr Kennedy Huges (+19405607099)
FEDERAL RESERVE BANK WASHINGTON
BANK DIRECTOR: DR KENNEDY HUGES
Call: +19405607099
Sunday, January 15, 2012 6:36 AM
From: Qin Yanjun <support@shimadzu.com.my>
Reply To: qinyanjun0001@gmail.com
Subject: Good day,
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Good day,
Pardon me for not having the pleasure of knowing your mindset before making you this offer and it is utterly confidential and genuine by virtue of its nature. I cannot imagine the surprise this will bring to you, but please be rest assured is with good faith and intentions from a friend in dare need of your assistance. I am a, staff of Private Banking Service at the Bank of China (BOC). I am contacting you concerning our customer and, an investment placed under our banks management 5 years ago. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. In 2005, the subject matter; ref: bb/boc/bank/0012 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services! Department. He informed us that h
I encouraged him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. The favoured route in my advice to customers is to start by assessing data on 6000traditional stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers of alternative investments. Based on my advice, we spun the money around various opportunities and made attractive margins for our first months of operation, the accrued profit and interest stood at this point at over 10 million United States Dollars, this margin was not the full potential of the fund but he desired low risk guaranteed returns on investments. In mid 2006, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in Europe. He directed that I liquidate the funds and had it deposited with a firm. I informed him that the bank would have to make special arrangements to have this done and in order not to circumvent due process, the bank would have to make a 9.5 % deduction from the funds to cater for banking a!nd statutory charges. He complaine
He told me he wanted the money there in anticipation of his arrival from Norway later that week. This was the last communication we had, this transpired around 9thOctober, 2006. In January last year, we got a call from the security firm informing us that the inactivity of that particular portfolio. This was an astounding position as far as I was concerned, given the fact that I managed the private banking sector I was the only one who knew about the deposit, and I could not understand why he had not come forward to claim his deposit. I made futile efforts to locate him I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of the bank of china. Four days later, information started to trickle in, apparently he was dead. A person who suited his description was declared dead of a heart attack in Canne, South of France. We were soon enough able to identify the body and cause of death was confirmed. The bank immediately launched an investigation i!nto possible surviving next of kin
This bank also gives the choice to depositors of having their mail sent to them or held at the bank itself, ensuring that there are no traces of the account and as I said, rarely do they nominate next of kin. Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; he died intestate. In line with our internal processes for account holders who have passed away, we instituted our own investigations in good faith to determine who should have right to claim the estate. This investigation has for the past months been unfruitful. We have scanned every continent and used our private investigation affiliate companies to get to the root of the problem. The investigation didn’t ever yield any result My official capacity dictates that I am the only party to supervise the investigation and the only party to receive the results of the investigation. This leaves me as the only person with the full picture of what the p!revailing situation is in relation
I alone know of the existence of this deposit for as far as BOC is concerned, the transaction with our deceased customer concluded when I sent the funds to the firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer services and due process. They are simply awaiting instructions to release the deposit to any party that comes forward. This is the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to track this man's family; they have investigated for months and have found no family. The investigation has come to an end. My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position to give instruction for the release of the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half. That is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50.I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have d!
rawn a straight line tome and my i
I am aware of the consequences of this proposal. I ask that if you find noninterest in this project that you should discard this mail. I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not know this but people like myself who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector.
I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come ones' way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by, for once i find myself in total control of my destiny. These chances won't pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do not destroy me. I am a fam!ily man and this is an opportunity
If you find yourself able to work with me, contact me through this same email account. If you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards conclusion. I wish to inform you that should you contact me via official channels; I will deny knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through my official phone lines nor do I want you contacting me through my official email account. Contact me only through through this email address. I do not want any direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management Policy. Please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a family man; I have a wife and children. I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy ! or on a platter of gold.
This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, send me your response to enable us commence this line of discussion.
I await your response.
Qin Yanjun
Sunday, January 15, 2012 6:45 AM
From: Hull Foster <hullfoster123@gmail.com>
Reply To: hull2foster@yahoo.com
Subject: Hello dear,
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Good day dear,
Please do not be surprising receiving my mail in this medium, but i have to start by introducing myself to you,i am Hull Foster,a merchant in Dubai,Arab Emirate.I have been diagnosed with Cancer which was discovered very late,due to my laxity in caring for my health.It has defiled all forms of medicine,Right now I have only about a few months to live,according to my Medical Doctor.
I have not particularly lived my life so well,as I never really cared for myself but the oil business.Though I am very rich,I was never generous,I only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.I believe when God gives me a second chance and heal me I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.I have sowed a seed for my healing I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members and as well as a few close friends.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so,I have decided to give arms to charity organizations and give succor and comfort to the less privileged of the eath qake victim of Haiti and Tsunamin with the Hurricane victims,as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.So far,I have distributed money to some charity organizations in India and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly,I cannot do this my self anymore.
I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts in Saudi Bank and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization and to the less privileged in Bulgaria and Sudan Africa, They cashed the money but kept it only to themselves.Hence,I do not trust them anymore,as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them already.
The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of Eight million dollars that I have in the Vault of a Financial company for safe keeping.I want you to collect this deposit on my behalf and disburse it to the Haiti and Tsunami Earth Quake victims in Asia and the Huricane victim in America for the less privileged.
I will set aside 20% for you for your time and efforts. I need your urgent reply so that I will not have to go on sourcing for another credible person to handle this project.If you are okay with the condition,do not hesitate to send me mail (hullfoster74@yahoo.com.hk} so that i can furnish you up with all the information needed. I wish to hear from you soon. God bless you.
Foster.
Sunday, January 15, 2012 7:24 AM
From: "Bartels, Barbara" <bbartels@spsmail.org>
Reply To: bbartels@spsmail.org
Subject: Contact me via Email: sarahmatins@hotmail.com
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My name is Mrs SARAH MARTINS,I am i need of somebody to help me finish my uncomplete foundation/Estate worth millions of dollars because of my health. Contact me via Email: sarahmatins@hotmail.com
Sunday, January 15, 2012 8:58 AM
From: Rahanatul Rahiza <info@test.com>
Reply To: rahizarahanatul@live.com.my
Subject: Beloved Friend.
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Beloved Friend,
I am writing this mail to you with heavy tears in my eyes and great sorrow in my Heart because my Doctor told me that I will die in a months’ time. Base on this Development I want to will my money which is deposited in a security company. I am in search of a reliable person who will use the Money to build charity organization
For the saints and the person will take 30% of the total sum. While 70% of the money will Go to charity organization and helping the orphanage. I grew up as an Orphan here In Sarawak Malaysia and i don't have anybody/family member to take care of my wealth.
The total money in question is $3.5million dollars. I will provide you with other Information’s once you indicate your willingness.
Your’s sincerely.
Mrs Rahanatul Rahiza
Sunday, January 15, 2012 12:07 PM
From: Barr. Alex Matez <barralexmatez@lawyer.com>
Reply To: barralexmatez1@yahoo.com.hk
Subject: Very Private
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Hello,
Please accept my sincere apology if my email does not suit your business or personal ethics. I will first introduce myself to you. My name is Barr. Alex Matez, the Attorney to Late Mr. Andreas Schranner, A German Businessman and a miner at Kruger Gold Company, a Geologist by profession and he died since 2000.No other person knows this money . Please view this website for
verification http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm. My Client Mr. Andreas Schranner have a deposit of Tem Million, Eight Hundred United state dollars (US$10.8M) in a Consignment with a Finance Security Firm. Since then, nobody has done anything as regards the claiming of this money, as he has no family member that has any knowledge as to the existence of either the deposited US$10.8M in a consignment; I have confidently discussed this issue with some of the Finance Security Firm
officials and we have agreed to find a reliable partner to deal with.
My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the Next of kin and beneficiary receiver of this late client?s deposit US$10.8M in a consignment , The consignment was registered as CONFIDENTIAL DIPLOMATIC DOCUMENTS; but its only me and you knows the content to be money please don't let any one know about it to avoid losing the funds. If you are interested to receive the consignment kindly let me know at once.
I am ready to release 50% of the total money to you for your help; I will be expecting your reply today please advice me of any good and lucrative business in your country that I can invest my share into. This transaction is totally free of risk and life time opportunity for us for our mutual benefits. Kindly respond back to me to enable me give you the next step to adopt to enable us bring this life changing deal to reality.
My client Mr. Andreas Schranner, his wife Maria, their daughter Andrea Eich, his son in law Christian, and their children Maximilian and Katharina, all perished on the Monday, 31 July, 2000 plane crash in western German city of Moenchengladbach
I look forward to your earliest reply,
Best regards
Barr.Alex Matez
Sunday, January 15, 2012 5:47 PM
From: Bernardine A. Vanderlip <vanderli@uark.edu>
Reply To: danielrivers@cnegal.com
Subject: [No Subject]
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REPLY ME (danielrivers@cnegal.com)
Please accept my sincere apologies if my email does not meet your business or personal ethics. I will first introduce myself as Dr Daniel Rivers, a staff in the Private Clients Section of a well-known bank, here in London, England.I have a business deal worth GBP£9,800,000.00 (Nine Million Eight Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterlings) only. This money is in an account that has been dormant and last operated nine years ago. From my investigations, the owner of the said account, a foreigner by name John Shumejda died on the 4th of January 2002 in a plane crash in Birmingham; for details on the crash you can view this.
CNN website. http://edition.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/europe/01/04/england.plane/index.html?iref=allsearch
I also wish to inform you that I have all the necessary documents that will make this claim successful as only someone who knew about this money could have had the documents I will give to you to present to the Finance House so that the funds can be released to you within the next seven(7) banking days.
If interested please provide your name and contact phone number. Please be reminded that this transaction is very confidential.
Best Regards,
Dr Daniel Rivers
Sunday, January 15, 2012 5:48 PM
From: Curtis <curtis@cstudifoligno.it>
Reply To: curtis@cstudifoligno.it
Subject: EMAIL BENEFICIARY!! (CONGRATULATIONS)
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Dear Email Owner,
We happily announce to you the Email Support Programme results which you were declared a winner in the Email Draw Category. You have therefore been approved to receive the sum of €500,000.00 EUROS. To receive this prize money, send an email Mr Juan Jose. Mr. Juan is expected to process your prize payment immediately he receives an email from you confirming receipt of this message.
For further development for Clarification and procedure please Contact:Mr.Juan Jose,
Email Contact:juanjospayout44@yahoo.com.hk
Send the following to the claim department:
STATE YOUR CORRECT AND FULL DETAILS BELOW:
1. Full name..............
2. Sex...............
3. Country................
4. State.............
5. Contact Address........
6. Telephone Number.......
7. Marital Status.........
8. Occupation.............
9. Age...............
10.Zip Code...............
11.Winning email address....
Congratulations Once Again!
Sincerely,
Juan Jose,
Administrative secretary.
Sunday, January 15, 2012 11:18 PM
From: INTERNTIONAL SPANISH EURO MILLION AWARDS <tlatgrant@rg7.cniteam.com>
Reply To: spanisheuro09@rocketmail.com
Subject: Attn: Client Winner -Your Winning Final Notice .!!! ATTACHED !!!
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