119
Enlightening Cinderella
Beyond the Prince Charming Fantasy
By Suzanne E. Harrill
This book is dedicated to my husband,
Rodney A. Harrill
I appreciate that you "stayed on the dance floor" with me over the years so I could transform my "inner Cinderella." I have grown so much since our dance-of-life began in 1965 at my high school senior prom. I am honored to learn with you how to dance a long-term actualizing relationship.
Acknowledgements
To people who have helped me with my creative process:
I give a special thank you to my talented editor, Dianne Schilling, who helped bring Enlightening Cinderella to fruition.
Thank you Diane Langley for being there and helping me from day one with this manuscript, and for all the time you put into earlier versions.
I am grateful to the following people for giving me comments to improve the manuscript: Chris Lumadue, Gordon Lindsey, Judith Jamison, Joanne Butera, Sandy Jackson, Lynn Basquez, Karen Magee, Sandra Masterson, Jessica Lucas, Alice Cook, Jane Raines, Pat Small, Susan Luke and Toni Terrill.
Enlightening Cinderella Beyond the Prince Charming Fantasy
Table Of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 Ten Years Into Happily Ever After
Chapter 2 The Past Influences the Present
Chapter 3 Beyond Romantic Love
Chapter 4 The Building of Self-Awareness
Chapter 5 Life Is a Process
Chapter 6 An Introduction to Personal Power
Chapter 7 Mirrors and Polarities
Chapter 8 Cinderella Expresses Much Pain
Chapter 9 Working Together
Chapter 10 Ending #1 The Completion
Chapter 11 Ending #2 The Magic of Transformation
Epilogue
Introduction
We can discover many things about ourselves by examining our favorite fairy tale. My favorite is Cinderella.
For many years I found comfort in the magical belief, harbored by my inner child, that when circumstances became too difficult I would be swept off my feet by a handsome prince and rescued from all my problems. I nourished the fantasy that I would find the one person in all the world created just for me and that we would live together happily for the rest of our lives. Perfectly matched, we would enjoy instant rapport, an equitable, trusting, caring relationship, an absence of conflict, and absolutely no disappointments. Sound familiar?
Well, needless to say, it didn't work out that way. As an adult, living with my prince, I soon realized that life wasn't about luxuriating on a bed of pillows, daydreaming away endless carefree days devoid of challenges and conflicts. I eventually figured out that the only person responsible for creating my life was me, and that relinquishing all power to my mate put me on a path strewn with disappointment and frustration. Yet these issues — life authorship and personal power — have continued to challenge me. Not surprisingly, they are major issues for many of my clients as well.
Fairy Tale Symbolism
For many, the story of Cinderella nourishes the fantasy of finding a perfect partner — a Prince Charming. Symbolically, this fantasy represents the desire to integrate the inner self with God or Divine Self. One way to understand the inner self in this context is to see it comprised of both female and male parts. The less integrated these two parts, the less we understand ourselves and the more we project our need for fulfillment onto others such as a fantasy prince or a "knight in shining armor."
Another interpretation of the Cinderella story asserts that the fairy tale is really about the heroine's (and by extension our own) quest for an "inner mother." According to this interpretation, Cinderella’s father, prior to embarking on an extended business trip, asked each of his three daughters what gift she wished him to bring back. The two stepsisters asked for material things, while Cinderella asked for a branch from a hazelnut tree. Cinderella received the branch and planted it on the grave of her mother. Over the years, Cinderella’s tears watered the branch and it grew into a hazelnut tree. This symbolizes the healing process Cinderella went through in grieving the unmothered child within and growing into her new life. At a very deep level, it represents learning to mother one’s self. Many of us are involved in just this type of healing.
Catalysts for Healing
The underlying theme of Enlightening Cinderella is that we must heal ourselves and move beyond misconceptions about life and relationships that result from early childhood conditioning.
Throughout the book I remind the reader that relationships teach us about ourselves, and that events and conditions in the relationship are reflections of what is consciously and unconsciously inside of us. We live from our present level of awareness and we can only attract a partner similar to us in consciousness, with similar lessons to learn.
Through relationships we have the opportunity to heal the past, achieve personal mastery, express our unique life purpose, and grow into enlightenment. This process can take us beyond mere contentment and happiness to a place of joy and bliss.
Asking for Help
An important feature of the Cinderella story is often overlooked: Cinderella was able to connect to a spiritual being who loved and assisted her and, when necessary, performed magic. Enlightening Cinderella strongly illustrates the importance of the spiritual relationship Cinderella had with her angelic helper, and emphasizes that this source of help is available to everyone. We are not alone. Spiritual helpers — angels, inner guides and teachers on more expanded planes of existence — are ready to help when we get too far afield and cry for help.
In the fairy tale, Cinderella uses Fairy Godmother's powers to find an adoring husband willing to offer her security and prosperity. In Enlightening Cinderella other needs surface for Cinderella. Through Fairy Godmother's tutelage, she learns about the real opportunity of being in a love relationship, which is to know and love her true self. Once she recognizes that she is not a victim of life, Cinderella learns to consciously create what she wants to experience. She awakens to the deeper mysteries of life, and begins to understand why she was born and how to fulfill her unique purpose in life.
The Mirror Game
Partners in a relationship have reciprocal patterns that “plug into" each other. When two people meet, a process of engagement occurs to determine whether the two have anything in common worth exploring. Each person is like a sphere of energy with radiating rays. The spheres rotate, searching for mutual "docking" points. When one is found, a bridge is opened between the pair and an attraction or chemistry is felt by both. This happens in intimate as well as non-intimate relationships. When two people have nothing in common, they pass each other and act as if the other does not exist in their world. There is no attraction. If a person is in your world, rest assured that the two of you share at least one growth issue, perhaps several.
We come to know ourselves by studying our reflection in the mirrors provided by others. Characteristics that we recognize and respond to in others reflect existing or potential parts of ourselves, though often we are unconscious of those parts. Qualities and behaviors we like and dislike in others give us feedback about our own psychological makeup. To grow and evolve, we select those aspects of our personalities that we want to keep (e.g. open-mindedness, curiosity, love) and weed out those we want to eliminate (e.g. prejudice, judgementalness, fear). Seeing traits in others allows us to make these choices.
What we do not like in ourselves we project onto others. Close relationships are perfect ground on which to heal projections. Once the door of awareness opens and we stop denying what is inside of us, we can begin to accept and transform our shadow side. We are then ready to live a more mature life and experience more mature loving relationships.
Projections spotlight our less than desirable traits and behaviors indirectly as well as directly. Projection is an important psychological construct to understand if we are to gain access to hidden parts of ourselves. Characteristics and habits that we judge, avoid and criticize are easier to see in someone else than in ourselves. Seeing them in ourselves is too painful. At the same time, we can only process that which is already within our frame of reference, so merely recognizing a characteristic in another guarantees that some form of that characteristic resides within us. We can thank our partners for reflecting back the unacceptable parts of ourselves that we refuse to face directly.
Projections do not have to be negative. We also disown such qualities as powerfulness, the ability to create money, nurturing tendencies and certain emotions. Sometimes we react to opposing characteristics in others, yet deny that we play any part in the behavior pattern. For example, a neat, tidy, organized person ends up with a partner who is sloppy and disorganized. In dealing with issues of neatness and tidiness, both partners act out extremes. By seeking a middle-ground, the neatnick is able to mitigate her own extreme behavior. Eventually, in response, her partner will move toward the center as well.
When we live with someone, we are faced with the need to heal and balance our past, including hurtful events, parenting deficiencies, and our attitudes and feelings toward caregivers. Our partner mirrors all kinds of unfinished business — from childhood, from former relationships, from belief patterns and from unprocessed feelings.
As issues with our partner surface, we have the opportunity to become more aware of deep seated influences, and to live our life in a more mature way. Many times our actions in the present are based on past experiences. If we are stuck in the past relying on the perceptions of our wounded "inner child," people currently in our lives are apt to trigger negative responses. As we grow and heal, we learn to correct the misperceptions of the inner child, to live consciously, to integrate past and current experiences, and to reach a place of enlightened living. This latter state is characterized by the ability to problem solve, make wise choices, develop supportive relationships, communicate clearly and effectively, live with integrity and authenticity, and continually unfold in the process of actualizing our potential.
Loving Ourselves
Self-esteem is another important factor in spiritual growth and healing, one that is too often neglected or overlooked. If we do not love and nurture ourselves, we are out there in the world looking for love in all the wrong places. Having a loving person in our lives is always a plus unless the relationship involves unhealthy dependency. Dependence must always be balanced by independence and, eventually, interdependence, which includes the awareness that everything one partner does affects the other.
To create good relationships we must start with knowing, accepting, and loving ourselves. The more we learn to love and forgive ourselves, the more that love becomes part of our relationships. We benefit from looking at our negative side as well as our likable side. I had a client who spent two years in therapy getting away from a bad marriage. Once she was out of the marriage she realized she could no longer blame her ex-husband for her negative issues. She was forced to own the controlling, angry parts of herself.
Because she was willing to look deeper, this client was able to heal some of the core issues that caused her to be unconsciously attracted to the type of man she rejected on a conscious level. She discovered how much she resembled her father, a man who held all the “bad guy” projections for her family of origin, and whom none in the family liked. Over time this client made peace with the angry and controlling parts of herself, forgave her father, and ceased to be attracted to men with these same qualities. She no longer unconsciously desired a partner on whom to project her own unacceptable traits. This client is now learning to love and nurture herself and hopes in the future to attract a loving and caring man.
Communication Is Key
Basic communication rules and strategies also improve partner compatibility, and are among the lessons that Cinderella and Charming must learn in the story. They include:
• Open-mindedness. We need to keep in mind that there are always other points of view besides our own. Our partner's point of view makes perfect sense to him.
• Empathy. Putting our self in our partner's shoes helps us to understand why he makes the choices he does.
• Listening. Most of us need help in this area. When we are triggered by something our partner says, listening stops and the mind closes while we wait to express our reactive thoughts and feelings. By spending time alone, we can often figure out the nature of the trigger issue so that when it comes up again we can listen.
• Risk taking. Some of us need to learn the art of loving confrontation and the skill of asserting our truth to our partner.
Putting the Pieces Together
We contribute to our relationships whatever degree of wholeness we have achieved. A whole relationship cannot be produced through a union of fractured partners. When we build the wholeness within, we build the potential of the relationship.
We need to work on our own insecurities (all people have them) and not make our partner responsible for filling those voids. At times our partner is able to give exactly what we need, which can make a particular insecurity seem nonexistent. However, when our partner cannot meet the need, we must face the void and heal it.
Many therapeutic techniques are useful in that they can help us heal — for example, inner child work, visualizations, affirmations and journal writing. More important than any of these techniques, however, is the willingness to move to the spiritual level and experience the love and nurturing of a higher Source. Meditation is a good place to begin.
Measuring Progress
Unfinished business from childhood always shows up in adult relationships. Without realizing it, we take on our parents' patterns of thinking and behaving as well as social/cultural norms. It is important to see ourselves as a part of a family and a cultural system, and to realize that the improvements we make are built on the foundation of our conditioning within that system. My clients often become impatient with the long process required to create a good relationship. They set high goals for functioning in their relationship and feel disappointed when they don't measure up. I often urge clients to look back at where they started and measure their progress, rather than gauge the distance from their present reality to the ultimate goal. I help them to be loving and accepting of themselves and the process. Goals are good because they give us direction; however, they must not be allowed to supplant present experience.
As a therapist, I see the following pattern repeated often. One partner, usually the female, feels pain and separation as the relationship “falls from grace.” She is the catalyst for creating a genuine and authentic union. Whether or not she initiates some type of counseling, she begins to seek out and discover the path of healing and intimacy. Under ideal circumstances, she impacts her partner so that he, too, completes the transformational work necessary for an enlightened relationship.
Let us learn about ourselves by looking at Cinderella ten years after her happily-ever- after marriage. As she experiences disillusionment and endures the pain of unhappiness and unfulfillment, Cinderella reaches a point of crisis which launches her inner journey. As our story begins, we find Cinderella in a garden behind the castle.
CHAPTER ONE
TEN YEARS INTO HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Cinderella shivered and pulled the shawl securely around her shoulders. The April sky was blue, but the chill in the herb garden was numbing despite the shelter of heavy stone walls. Weeding and trimming would normally have kept Cinderella warm, but today she was too preoccupied to notice the new shoots of fresh dill, much less their pungent aroma.
Cinderella was twenty-nine years old. She and Prince Charming had just celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary, albeit not so happily.
Their storybook romance had unfolded quite smoothly during the first few years of marriage. In the beginning Cinderella's attention had been focused on moving to the castle. Soon she'd been occupied with adjusting to her duties, responsibilities and a higher standard of living, and, very quickly, to having and raising a family.
But obligations — even royal ones — don't distract forever. And, for some reason, Cinderella had chosen this day to squarely face reality and anxiously question her motives for marrying the prince.
"Is this living happily ever after?” she wondered. "Everyone else seems to think it is. I hear it over and over. My stepsisters and stepmother remind me practically every time we cross paths."
“No one would understand,” Cinderella said aloud, pacing back and forth. “What possible excuse do I have for being unhappy? I live a lavish lifestyle in a luxurious castle. I'm up to my vaulted ceilings in gorgeous gowns, and have at least three-hundred pairs of glass slippers. More importantly, I have two wonderful children, and love being a mother. But in spite of all this, I feel terribly lonely, especially right after I've been around Charming. He always seems so happy and enthusiastic, running his kingdom and preparing for the day when he will be king.
Cinderella cried out in exasperation. "I don't have that kind of enthusiasm for my life! On the contrary, I feel as barren as a field after a harvest, as empty as a pond in a drought. Charming doesn't excite me anymore, and I don't seem to turn him on either. He's obviously not the soulmate I thought I found ten years ago, and I’m certainly not living happily ever after," she cried. "What's wrong? Why am I so miserable? What am I doing to deserve this? I need help!”
Cinderella stopped abruptly and glanced around to see if any of the castle staff had heard her frustrated outburst. Thankfully, she was alone.
She walked a little farther into the lush garden, past beds of primroses, cottage tulips, daylilies and glove pinks. She felt safer expressing her concerns where only the trees, flowers and animals could hear.
"Something feels different today," Cinderella mused, pivoting slowly, still unconvinced or her solitude.
Expecting to see Gosford the gardener or one of her children, Cinderella was startled to encounter her plump, elfish Fairy Godmother framed by a trellis of climbing roses and observing her quietly.
“My dear Cindy,” said Fairy Godmother, extending her ample arms lovingly.
Squealing with astonishment and delight, Cinderella plunged through the flower beds and into the embrace of her celestial guardian, where she clung for several moments, jumping up and down and enveloping both in a pink cloud of falling rose petals.
“Where on earth have you been all these years?” cried Cinderella, finally stepping back.
“Well, actually, my dear, I haven't been 'on earth' at all. I've occasionally visited your dreams at night, and I've tried to work with you from a less worldly dimension. You haven't needed me to appear in person, — or in fairy — until now."
Fairy Godmother backed up a little and appraised Cinderella carefully. "I wouldn't have come at all if you hadn't consciously asked — or should I say yelled — for help. The folks up at the castle may not have heard that outbursts, but I certainly did."
Cinderella rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.
"It looks to me like you've reached a point of crisis in your life. Up until now, you've managed pretty well on your own. You've learned to be a good mother, that's for sure. How old are the children?"
"Marc will be eight in two months, and Mandy just turned five," answered Cinderella. "But they are not the source of my problems."
"Oh, I know that perfectly well," replied Fairy Godmother. "And neither is being a princess. In my opinion, you are handling the royal responsibilities of running the castle like a pro. And up until now, you've had a fairytale relationship with Charming, if you'll excuse the pun. Lately, though, you've been questioning very deeply. And you haven't been listening to my guidance, so — here I am,” smiled Fairy Godmother warmly.
“How long can you stay?" asked Cinderella, as she picked her way out of the flower bed and back to the dirt path, leading Fairy Godmother by the hand. "Can you answer my questions before you go? Will I have to wait another ten years to see you again?”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Fairy Godmother laughed, scraping mud from her boots. “I'll get exhausted at this pace. Yes, we can talk now for as long as you wish. I'll try to give you insights into some of your dilemmas and answer many of your questions. And I’ll continue to visit you here in this garden on a regular basis, until you have the situation in hand.”
“Where do we begin?" demanded a relieved Cinderella. "I have so many questions. I need so much help. I am soooo unhappy.”
“Why don’t we begin with a discussion of soulmates,” answered Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella smiled, “You really have been listening to me.”
“Yes, well, you made napping fairly impossible," teased Fairy Godmother. Then with a deep breath that brought the fairy to her full four feet, she said, "We need to answer your question about whether Charming is your soulmate. Unhappiness has caused you much doubt, and you've been feeling disconnected from the marriage. We also need to talk about romantic love and its purpose in a relationship."
Cinderella's lips parted, but no sound emerged. She was astounded at her guardian's perceptiveness.
“First of all," continued Fairy Godmother, "I think you should understand that soulmate is a term you humans have invented to explain your desire to reawaken feelings of wholeness and completeness within yourselves. Since you identify primarily with the physical world," she declared with a sweeping gesture meant to take in the entire estate, "you tend to forget about the spiritual part of your nature. When you can't find fulfillment in yourself, you look for it in someone else — a husband, lover, or even a child. Which, by the way, diminishes your personal power."
"Really," was all Cinderella could manage.
"Feeling fulfilled by your mate's presence is wonderful and exhilarating, but when you expect this from your partner all the time, you set yourself up for disappointment. No one, not even the prince, can make you feel whole and gratified on a permanent basis. It's an illusion to think that he can be responsible for your emotional well-being. To truly be happy, you must find wholeness and emotional security within yourself."
Seeing Cinderella's look of bewilderment, she added, "And besides, most humans are in the same pickle you are. Lacking complete self-awareness, they are not whole enough to give you what you want. Therefore it's folly to turn this responsibility over to the prince. He cannot possibly meet all of your emotional needs. Why he isn’t even meeting his own!"
"I don't know if I follow you," said Cinderella. "And besides, Charming and I are very happy sometimes. I just wish we felt that way more often."
“Okay," reasoned Fairy Godmother. "Let’s look at your situation as it is right now. Your unhappiness grows daily while the prince seems to be doing fine. He's busy and doesn't need you very much anymore. Is that your perception?"
Cinderella nodded slowly and lowered herself onto one of the stone benches lining the garden path. Her eyes misted slightly in response to Fairy Godmother's frank assessment.
"And is it also true that you feel your life is no longer good and satisfying because Charming doesn't give you the attention he once did?" The princess answered with another cautious nod as Fairy Godmother plunged ahead. "Frankly, I think you'd like to return to the grand ball. It was frantic and frightening in some ways, but it was certainly glamorous. Charming had you on a pedestal then and the relationship, if you can call it that, was pulsing with energy from all the infatuation and romance. Now that you are no longer the center of Charming's every waking moment, you assume that he must not be your soulmate. Am I right?”
“Yes, yes — to all you have said so far,” responded Cinderella, deeply distressed. “I know it sounds selfish, but I'm terribly unhappy and I don't know what to do about it. And I don’t understand what you are trying to tell me about wholeness. Don't I look whole to you?"
"I can't argue with you there," smiled Fairy Godmother. “What I'm trying to say is that you focus too much on the prince as the source of your happiness. But the prince is outside of you, and your happiness lies inside of you. I know this is a completely new idea. It will take time for you to reeducate yourself and grasp what I have to teach you. You can't slip into it like a dress or a pair of glass slippers. You must understand these ideas and make them your own.”
“But that could take forever! I don’t want this to consume a lot of time. Just give me something to make this tight feeling in my stomach go away! Can't you just wave your magic wand and say abracadabra or something?” implored Cinderella.
“No, my dear Cindy. The laws of this universe make it plain that you are in charge of your individual consciousness. You possess free will so that you can choose the rate of your own growth. No one can do that for you, including me. However, I will gladly spend time helping you to understand yourself and correct your misperceptions about relationships. That lump in your stomach will ease over time." Fairy Godmother promised with authority.
"First, you need to understand how your family of origin — the family you grew up with — has influenced you. Second, you need to grieve the loss of your mother. Third, you must work through the emotional trauma of having been abused and exploited by your stepmother and stepsisters, and eventually forgive them. I'll help with all of those things,” explained Fairy Godmother, plopping down next to Cinderella on the bench. She took Cinderella's hand and clasped it firmly in her own. “And that's just the beginning, my dear. That's just the beginning."
Cinderella squeezed her guardian's hand warmly in return, her eyes resting on the sundial that stood in the center of the garden. Her attention was suddenly seized by the deep shadow cast by its copper gnomon. "Heavens," she cried, jerking her hand away and jumping to her feet. "It's almost time for the children to have their dinner. I like to be there while they eat their evening meal, especially when Charming is away. We've been talking so intensely, I completely forgot my normal routine."
Fairy Godmother was already on her feet, adjusting her voluminous attire in preparation for a hasty departure. Flustered, Cinderella reached out and held her back. "I'm sorry, I mean it's nearly time for them to eat. I don't have to go inside quite yet. Please stay a little longer."
"No, my dear, we've made a good start and I really should be going," responded Fairy Godmother, "but I do have something to leave with you." Rummaging around in her bag, the old elf withdrew a beautiful rainbow-covered book. "Here, this is for you."
"It's beautiful," Cinderella exclaimed, opening the book, "but the pages are all blank. I don't understand."
"That, Cindy, is your first journal."
"Journal?" questioned Cinderella.
"Yes. I want you to write each day about your thoughts and feelings in reaction to the ideas we discuss. You will need a way to manage and make sense of everything that bubbles to the surface of your awareness as we talk. Currently your thoughts and feelings are churning around and around inside and you have no way of understanding or digesting them. Experiences, like food, need to be digested and metabolized. Fun and happy experiences assimilate easily, but painful ones, many just below the surface of your awareness, need to be brought forward and processed. Talking to me is one way to process significant emotional events. Writing in your journal each day is another."
"A simmering cauldron, that's me all right," laughed Cinderella. "I have a virtual stew of feelings inside. It keeps getting thicker and I do not know what to do about it. I'm willing to give anything a try."
Fairy Godmother was pleased. "Tonight when the children are in bed, simply take out your notebook and write whatever bubbles to the surface."
"Oh, the children. I've got to go."
"See you tomorrow, same time, Cindy?"
"Yes indeed," Cinderella called over her shoulder as she disappeared through her sitting room doors.
Points to Ponder From Chapter One
1. Spiritual insight, guidance, love, and nurturance are available to everyone. To begin the process and open the door to a new way of life, all you need do is ask. Help is always forthcoming, though the timetable may not match your perceived needs. For example, suppose you have a problem and begin to ask questions. Then you read an article in a magazine, pick up a self-help book in a bookstore, or catch a television program examining a similar problem. Perhaps a friend recommends a workshop or a therapist. You begin finding answers to your questions. You might experience some synchronistic event or circumstance that doesn't make sense at the time, but leads you on a new path. Perhaps you run into an old friend you haven't seen for years and learn that the path she is on fits your needs perfectly. You are being guided and directed because you opened yourself to greater awareness by asking for help.
2. When you are in emotional or spiritual crisis and ask for help, you always receive a spiritual response. You might have a vision or receive a silent message during meditation or at night in your dreams. Or guidance and love might come from beyond the physical world, such as through a guardian angel or spirit guide.
3. It is wrong to believe that if you are not infatuated and “in love,” you are not with the right partner. Many people cling to this misconception even when the partner was initially thought to be a perfect match.
4. Your happiness does not depend on being the center of your partner’s life as you were early in the relationship. Once the infatuation wears off, there's a tendency to think you are no longer in love and need to get away from your partner. But true happiness and fulfillment result from growing strong within, they never come from a partner.
5. It takes time and dedication to heal emotional wounds from the past and grow into wholeness. Until you learn to find emotional security and fulfillment within yourself, you may mistakenly believe that it can come from a partner. To truly live happily ever after, you must understand yourself and how to meet your own needs. A deeper search is required to answer such questions as, “Who am I?” and, “What are my needs?"
6. A relationship needs attention to last beyond infatuation. There are no quick fixes for relationship problems. Healing takes time. Awareness builds mature love.
JOURNAL QUESTIONS
I suggest that you find your own “garden behind the castle” — a quiet place where you can be alone for short periods of time. Buy a notebook or "blank book" and use it to respond to the same questions that Cinderella is answering. Begin to develop a "blueprint" of your self. Over time, it may prove helpful to answer the same questions more than once. As you gain new information and insights, your answers will change and evolve. Occasionally, you will think of additional relevant questions. Write them down and answer them, too.
Don't be surprised if answers to some questions elude you at first. Some will not come easily. Experiencing frustration at the beginning of the healing process is normal. It takes time to build expertise as an examiner of your own life. A close friend or counselor may be able to help you get started.
Answer the following questions to stimulate a deeper understanding of yourself. If you have a journal, write down your answers. If you do not have a journal, start one.
1. Under what circumstances do you get off track and find yourself wanting another person to fill you up emotionally, to make you feel whole and happy? What can you do differently to meet your own needs?
2. Describe your beliefs about trust and spiritual guidance. Where did you acquire these ideas? Do you need to update some of them? What has experience taught you?
3. Are you aware of your spiritual helpers? Are you open to receiving spiritual help? What do you need special help with today?
4. Do you have rituals or habits that allow you to connect with your spiritual self? How can you set the stage to receive spiritual guidance?
CHAPTER TWO
THE PAST INFLUENCES THE PRESENT
Cinderella and Fairy Godmother continued their visit in the garden the next afternoon. The sun was high and unfettered by clouds, prompting Cinderella to spread her shawl on a patch of lawn and stretch out to absorb the warm rays. The topic of discussion was the family of origin and its impact on current relationships. Fairy Godmother explained that Cinderella was probably still affected by the loss of her mother and the abuse of her stepmother.
“I can’t believe I need to grieve the loss of my mother. She died years ago. I spent a lot of time writing about this last night in my journal. How could it possibly affect me now or have anything to do with my relationship with Charming?” asked Cinderella.
“Those are good questions," replied Fairy Godmother. "The simple answer is that people follow a natural process in coming to terms with the death of a loved one. The process doesn't vary much from person to person, and everyone needs to go through it, including you. If you don't go through it, the loss doesn't get resolved in your mind and heart. It resurfaces in various disguises and can cause a heap of trouble. For example, you may have developed hidden feelings of insecurity, or a fear of being abandoned. Those feelings cause you to react in certain ways when Charming isn’t as charming as you’d like. Chances are your emotional responses and behaviors are way out of proportion to the situations that trigger them."
"If you mean I overreact," said Cinderella, "you're right. Sometimes I go off the deep end, making all kinds of accusations, and then feel embarrassed afterwards."
"Well, take some comfort in knowing that you overreact for good reason," explained Fairy Godmother, adjusting wire-framed glasses on the bridge of her short nose. "Remember, you were very little when your mother died. You weren't much more than a baby, so no one thought it important to talk to you about your feelings. No one comforted you when you felt sad and lonely, or encouraged you to cry. No one held and rocked you when you were afraid or had a bad dream. When you felt angry at your mother for leaving you, there was no one willing to listen and understand. Your father did the best he could, but he was a very passive man. He didn't talk about feelings, and he wasn't particularly affectionate, although he did love you very much — more in fact than anyone else in his life. The reason he remarried so quickly was to create a better situation for you. Your father was quite naive and unaware when he married your stepmother."
Cinderella hugged her knees and squinted against the sun, her attention riveted on Fairy Godmother. She felt as if the old spirit was sifting through snapshots deep in her memory, shining a torch on events and conditions following her father's remarriage that even Cinderella had forgotten.
Fairy Godmother continued, “My guess is you didn't realize until today that you were abused by your stepmother. She never hit you, but she certainly misused her power as the adult in charge of taking care of you when your father was traveling. She punished you by withholding food and overworking you. That's physical abuse. She tried to humiliate you and hurt your feelings at every opportunity — clearly psychological abuse. And there was absolutely no nurturing. You are such a bright, loving soul, Cind, I'm convinced your stepmother didn't do any permanent damage. However, you did suffer emotional wounding. Your intuitive connection to the animals and an ability to meditate protected your spirit and enabled you to ignore harsh, abusive conditions. In addition, the early years of love and nurturing helped you to tolerate the difficult passage caused by your mother's death.”
Cinderella sighed, “You’re right. It never occurred to me that I was abused by my stepmother. I’m beginning to see how her mistreatment, combined with my mother’s death, might be affecting me in my relationship with Charming. But I still don't understand how it is affecting me.”
Fairy Godmother's eyes twinkled. “I'm pleased that you are starting to consider these implications, but don't be in too big a rush," she cautioned. "It's probably going to take awhile to fully comprehend the impact of your childhood. Some people need a lifetime to sort things out."
“Oh, you mean I can't become an expert today?" asked Cinderella, feigning haughty impatience. Softly she added, "Actually, I want you to know how grateful I am that you are willing to spend so much time with me."
Yanking out a handkerchief, Fairy Godmother dabbed her eyes and polished her glasses fussily. “Yes, dear, I feel your appreciation,” she said sternly while subjecting each lens to a painstaking inspection. Clearly, the old spirit loved her mortal charge very much.
Cinderella waited a respectful moment and then continued to describe her inner turmoil and conflicts with the prince. Fairy Godmother repositioned her glasses and listened intently.
“Right now I need some help resolving my problems with the prince. Let me give you some examples. First of all, Charming is very busy managing the kingdom and its assets. He makes important decisions every day, and loves it. I look at him riding off and feel useless, like I should be doing something as valuable with my time," said Cinderella. "Then there's my horse."
"Horse?" Fairy Godmother looked puzzled.
"Yes, horse. Charming gave me a champion gelding for my birthday last year. He loves the tournaments and wants me to compete with him — you know, be his partner. But I don’t ride very well, much less race or jump, and I really don’t like all that competitive stuff. The prince can't help but be disappointed in my performance. I'm always backing out at the last minute and letting him down. Once I even fell off the horse right in front of the reviewing stand. Winning is everything to him, but with me the only thing he wins is everyone's sympathy. I can’t do anything worthwhile,” complained the princess bitterly. “I guess I should try harder but...” Cinderella stopped abruptly and narrowed her eyes at Fairy Godmother. “Okay, I can see it in your face. You're thinking that this has nothing to do with my horse and fast riding aren't you?”
“Dear me, I don't mean to be that transparent," chuckled Fairy Godmother. "But, yes, there is a deeper meaning to all of this, so let’s stay with your examples. These situations are unpleasant because you are looking at them through the eyes of the person you think you should be. Always be aware of 'shoulds' and 'oughts.' Usually when you think you should be doing something, the value you place on the activity is not coming from within you. The value is coming from someone else. So rule number one is, pay attention to what you want and catch yourself when you think or say, ‘I should...’"
Fairy Godmother continued, "You are a very giving person and derive a lot of pleasure from pleasing others, Cindy, so you may find it extremely difficult to tell the difference between what you really want and what others want for you. When you first stop doing a ‘should’ behavior, be prepared to feel mixed up for a while. Don't be surprised if you feel guilty for not pleasing Charming — or whomever it is. That will change. As you become convinced of the need to be your own authority, you will take risks and willingly pay the cost, whether positive or negative. Over time, your choices will become progressively wiser, more closely matching the desires of your true self."